i will visit

usually when i get access to a keyboard or paper and pen, my first instict is to type, write, go, fly. my thoughts are never consistent so i apologise you have to read this word vomit. the direction of this paragraph will shift a lot, probably. this website has been a hyperfixation of mine for about a week or so. i went outside 4 days out of the last 7 and basked in the sun by a brown shallow pond that was occupied by two ducks, a couple of shopping trolleys and a single mattress. i often forget i'm young and feel bad about "wasting time" when listening to music and sitting by a pond for an hour. in reality, it seems to make me feel better (although i've only done it a couple of times this year) so is taking steps towards feeling better really a waste of time? i don't think so. i still can't go outside by myself. there are a lot of things to do right now. i feel useless 99% of the time. i often pester myself for the answers to stupid questions like "what is the point of you?" but never give myself the respect and time to answer. not for a fleeting second. echo. i never want my brain to stop screaming, i never want the whispers to cease, and i want to keep vividly seeing and continue to intensly observe. everything. i see eveything and i remember a lot, too. while you might move on with your life and let new memories replace the old recolections of wronging a child, i remember, as i'm stood still in the middle of the tornado, observing. i've lived the lives of many and would love the leave everything behind but i shall carry it with me like a wheelbarrow of mind rot and hope to some day come out of the other side and laugh at your incompetence as i correct the stains your mistakes left on my being. i am better than this. i am better than sitting here writing this. i am better than "wasting time". i am better than me now. i will be better. i have to accept the hurdles i experienced as a child are not the same hurdles now and i need to keep my eyes on the track if i want to avoid hitting my knees on the hurdles ahead. i need a plan, goals, aspirations, dreams. i know of the concept of dreams. i have so many i don't know where to start. where do you see yourself in 5 years? in a house. with my cat. with a garden. happy relationship. financially comfortable. free to do whatever the fuck i like creatively because i don't. have. to worry. worry. the bane of my fucking existence. i worry. that is the point of me. i wish i could get a grip on where to direct the spotlight of worry. one at a time. one day at a time. taking it one day at a time has gotten me nearly 9000 days into my life and i am grateful for each one of these days, even though a big chunk of them have been very dark. it makes me appreciate the sun by the murky pond.